Thursday, May 14, 2015

I decided to blog today....

Warning... this post may contain triggers for some.

I have not really blogged in a long time. I have thought about what to do with my blogs, as I have a couple. I think I am going to combine them, we'll see I guess.

I'm not sure what brought me back here. There have been a lot of changes in our lives over the past few years, I often feel like I'm lost in some kind of strange alternate universe. I wonder if I will ever be where I am supposed to be in my life. Maybe I'm fooling myself and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Who knows.....

There have been so many ups and downs in my life. Not only with the birth and loss of my two of my triplets, my survivors continuing struggles, and the diagnosis of my middle sons Asperger's syndrome. There has been a lot of strangeness in my life as well. A lot of heartbreak, a lot of issues brought on soley by bad choices and decisions. I now carry a diagnosis myself, adult ADD. Looking back it makes a lot of sense. It explains a lot.

There has also been a lot of joy and happiness. Extreme highs that help counter some of the lows. If I were to die right now I can honestly say I have done a lot of living. Sometimes it feels like I have lived many lives in the past thirty some years. I have been a soldiers wife, I've lived on a farm and got to work with horses. I have traveled a little, nothing major, but it's something. I've worked with children, taught adults, and I've lived in some of the most beautiful places! Above all I am a mommy. I have three wonderful sons, with all their uniqueness and quirks, and I wouldn't change them, a bit. I have two sweet boys in heaven, one whom I had the honor of holding as he gazed in my eyes and took his last breath.

I hope that I can travel more, I'd like to visit another country. I hope I can be the mommy my boy's deserve, and that I can always do the right thing. A lot of people don't understand my boy's, but I think I do, and I love them. They are the brightest spots in my life right now, I love them abundantly!

Well this has been one huge ramble!! Sorry about that, but for some reason I felt the urge to revisit this blog, maybe, hopefully I will be a better blogger, write more. It's really awesome therapy!

Elijah is doing well now. He is seven. He has a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy, which isn't uncommon for a baby born at 24 weeks. He walks, but he is very unsteady. Elijah also has developmental delays, he is diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. Life with Elijah isn't always easy. When I get frustrated, or start questioning, I remember the miracle that he is. He is the boy who wouldn't live another 24 hours, then the child who would never walk, much less run. He is the boy who wasn't supposed to talk. Yes, Elijah has lots of issues, but Elijah is exactly who God wants him to be. It is hard to see sometimes, through all the meltdowns, appointments, and disappointments. I know that sounds mean, but I'm being brutally honest. Yes, I get angry and sad. Not with Elijah. I get mad at the fact that my pregnancy with him didn't go smoothly. I get mad when I see others with their healthy twins, even triplets. I get upset that my babies were touched by such a supposedly rare disease. I get angry that the doctors couldn't do more, mad about things that should have been done, and wasn't. Some days I even get upset that I was pregnant with triplets at all, identical triplets are very rare. So, why me? Why three babies that were obviously doomed from the start? Yes, I know there is a plan, I hear that all the time, but sometimes, hearing that does not really help. I don't understand. I see babies and children in the news every day, that are abused, and killed, by the very ones who are supposed to protect them. I can't understand the plan in that. Why these children are born into that, and my children, whom I would love and care for, never hurt, why were they born to suffer, and to die before they really ever lived?

So yes, I am angry! I'm so tired of being told how strong I am, because in all truth, I don't think I'm strong at all. I do what I have to do. And it isn't always with a happy heart.

I may get blasted for this blog, I don't care. Everyone wants to hide from the truth. The truth is, everything isn't always sunshine and Daisy's. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes we need to express that, if it makes people uncomfortable, if it makes them look at their perfect and normal lives and realize that, yes, that could be them one day. It could be their story, their child's story, then I'm sorry. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no way to explain these things, one day a child can be perfectly healthy, the next day our whole worlds can change, in a heartbeat.

I know my children will face adversity in their lives, simply because they are a little different. They have already dealt with more than a lot of adults.  It's not fair at all, but it is the way this world is. My boys will be misunderstood, there will be times when they may be hurt by this. I can only pray for their happiness, and for those beautiful moments, the ones that will make all the "lows" worthwhile!!

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