Thursday, May 14, 2015

I decided to blog today....

Warning... this post may contain triggers for some.

I have not really blogged in a long time. I have thought about what to do with my blogs, as I have a couple. I think I am going to combine them, we'll see I guess.

I'm not sure what brought me back here. There have been a lot of changes in our lives over the past few years, I often feel like I'm lost in some kind of strange alternate universe. I wonder if I will ever be where I am supposed to be in my life. Maybe I'm fooling myself and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Who knows.....

There have been so many ups and downs in my life. Not only with the birth and loss of my two of my triplets, my survivors continuing struggles, and the diagnosis of my middle sons Asperger's syndrome. There has been a lot of strangeness in my life as well. A lot of heartbreak, a lot of issues brought on soley by bad choices and decisions. I now carry a diagnosis myself, adult ADD. Looking back it makes a lot of sense. It explains a lot.

There has also been a lot of joy and happiness. Extreme highs that help counter some of the lows. If I were to die right now I can honestly say I have done a lot of living. Sometimes it feels like I have lived many lives in the past thirty some years. I have been a soldiers wife, I've lived on a farm and got to work with horses. I have traveled a little, nothing major, but it's something. I've worked with children, taught adults, and I've lived in some of the most beautiful places! Above all I am a mommy. I have three wonderful sons, with all their uniqueness and quirks, and I wouldn't change them, a bit. I have two sweet boys in heaven, one whom I had the honor of holding as he gazed in my eyes and took his last breath.

I hope that I can travel more, I'd like to visit another country. I hope I can be the mommy my boy's deserve, and that I can always do the right thing. A lot of people don't understand my boy's, but I think I do, and I love them. They are the brightest spots in my life right now, I love them abundantly!

Well this has been one huge ramble!! Sorry about that, but for some reason I felt the urge to revisit this blog, maybe, hopefully I will be a better blogger, write more. It's really awesome therapy!

Elijah is doing well now. He is seven. He has a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy, which isn't uncommon for a baby born at 24 weeks. He walks, but he is very unsteady. Elijah also has developmental delays, he is diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. Life with Elijah isn't always easy. When I get frustrated, or start questioning, I remember the miracle that he is. He is the boy who wouldn't live another 24 hours, then the child who would never walk, much less run. He is the boy who wasn't supposed to talk. Yes, Elijah has lots of issues, but Elijah is exactly who God wants him to be. It is hard to see sometimes, through all the meltdowns, appointments, and disappointments. I know that sounds mean, but I'm being brutally honest. Yes, I get angry and sad. Not with Elijah. I get mad at the fact that my pregnancy with him didn't go smoothly. I get mad when I see others with their healthy twins, even triplets. I get upset that my babies were touched by such a supposedly rare disease. I get angry that the doctors couldn't do more, mad about things that should have been done, and wasn't. Some days I even get upset that I was pregnant with triplets at all, identical triplets are very rare. So, why me? Why three babies that were obviously doomed from the start? Yes, I know there is a plan, I hear that all the time, but sometimes, hearing that does not really help. I don't understand. I see babies and children in the news every day, that are abused, and killed, by the very ones who are supposed to protect them. I can't understand the plan in that. Why these children are born into that, and my children, whom I would love and care for, never hurt, why were they born to suffer, and to die before they really ever lived?

So yes, I am angry! I'm so tired of being told how strong I am, because in all truth, I don't think I'm strong at all. I do what I have to do. And it isn't always with a happy heart.

I may get blasted for this blog, I don't care. Everyone wants to hide from the truth. The truth is, everything isn't always sunshine and Daisy's. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes we need to express that, if it makes people uncomfortable, if it makes them look at their perfect and normal lives and realize that, yes, that could be them one day. It could be their story, their child's story, then I'm sorry. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no way to explain these things, one day a child can be perfectly healthy, the next day our whole worlds can change, in a heartbeat.

I know my children will face adversity in their lives, simply because they are a little different. They have already dealt with more than a lot of adults.  It's not fair at all, but it is the way this world is. My boys will be misunderstood, there will be times when they may be hurt by this. I can only pray for their happiness, and for those beautiful moments, the ones that will make all the "lows" worthwhile!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Combining blogs!

Hi everyone, it has been a while. It is so hard to keep up with multiple blogs, so I think I am going to combine my blogs and share Elijah updates on his brothers blog.  So be sure to check it out and follow us there!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Summer progress!

Wow! I am amazed at the progress Elijah has made this summer.

He will eat pretty much anything you put in front of him, pretty good for a kid who could only eat baby food a little over a year ago.
Enjoying birthday cake! 

 He is walking, running, and climbing. His balance has improved so much and we are currently waiting for his new articulated AFO's! What a amazing miracle he is!

Summer fun! 

Elijah with his cousin!

I'm so proud of my boy! He will be attending school in a brand new preschool classroom, I look forward to more progress, my little man is such a determined guy! 

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Update and birthday photo's

Elijah is doing well, he is out of school for the summer. Usually I send him to a day camp, but I have decided to keep him home with us this year. I am planning lots of activities for the boy's this summer and will have help during the day, so that's a plus! Elijah is walking better every day, he is finding his balance. We still have falls, but not as many.

I promised pictures from Elijah's fourth birthday party, it was a day filled with family and friends. Those who are most important to Elijah and who are there for us always!

 Blowing out the candles on his Sponge Bob cake! 

 Present time! 

 Having a blast! 

One of his favorite gifts! 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Update on our little miracle boy!

It's been a long time since I last posted! Elijah recently turned four, we had a birthday party for him at our home. It was a fun and happy day, stay tuned for pictures from the party!

Elijah's recent visit to the orthopedic clinic went well. Elijah' CP is not nearly as bad as his developmental doctor would lead us to believe, he has been downgraded on the CP scale, from a four to a two. Elijah is walking great and gaining more balance every day. He has stopped relying on his walker completely and will soon graduate to hinged AFO's which will give him even more range of motion! Elijah will also be getting new glasses. I had them locally made and it turns out the prescription is wrong, so we have ordered him a brand new pair of Miraflex glasses.

Elijah in his new glasses with his new friend! 

I am so thankful that Elijah is here with us, in spite of what the doctors believed, it is wonderful to see him exceed every one's expectations. God continues to work miracles in his life!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

From the heart....

I felt compelled to write on Elijah's blog tonight. I'm not sure why and I am not even sure of what I am going to say. It has been almost four years since my triplets were born, almost four years since David and then Lucas left us. Elijah was saved, and that is what I consider it "saved". He was on the verge of death when God reached down and saved his life,  answered my heart felt prayers, allowed him to stay here with us instead of taking him to be with his brothers. There are those who will say, well the doctors saved his life. My reply is, yes, the doctors and the nurses did have a hand in saving his life. It was their God given talents that allowed them to save Elijah, whether they know and accept this or not, I truly believe with all of my heart that without God, we would all be nothing, whether you believe or not, I know in my heart this is how it is.  I also know, that in the very moment when the doctors gave up on him, when they told me there was no hope, the moment I and so many others cried out in prayer for Elijah, when I begged God not to take his life, to please leave me one of my babies, I know at this moment that God truly touched my child.  Since that moment there have been many ups and downs. There has been heartbreak and tears, but I do know God is in control. Have I questioned Him? Yes, I am human, I know it is wrong to question, but there are so many questions, and I have the comfort of knowing that one day all things will be revealed. Do I have anxiety, yes I do, and I pray every day that God will relieve me of my fears and that I will learn to trust him with everything, to let it all go and lay my fears at his feet. I ask for your continued prayers for myself, for Elijah who still bears the scars and the hardships of his ordeal, and for his brothers. I ask for prayers of hope, strength, and healing. That is all I ask for.

I hope I'm not rambling to much, I hope this makes sense, but as I said, I felt compelled. Everything I wrote is from my heart. God bless you for taking the time to read this!